Trigger

It’s interesting how the experiences of your past can affect your present and future self. They say until you heal or process the past you will bleed on someone who has not hurt you. I have spent the last several days moving to a new home. I accepted an amazing opportunity with a venture capital company and uprooted my family to a safer community, better environment, new safe neighborhood. It’s been wonderful for us. In doing this I’ve had a toddler exclusively as I unpack and my time has been limited. Mike has been between Drs appointments and family obligations. We’ve not talked on the phone. This probably is someone’s dream bc people say how much they hate talking and they would rather text. I’m the opposite. There’s intention when you call. You have to give most your attention and time to the other individual on the phone call. I also have a thing for men with sexy voices. It’s definitely a perk of a phone call

It’s Sunday. In my last relationship it seemed that the person I was seeing was absent from life every Sunday. It was their one day off a weekend and it was a big deal to them to have their rest. They seemed to rest a lot on Sunday. Me being trusting or just stupid believed them. I didn’t put together what was really going on. I was being conditioned to not call and leave them alone. My anxious attachment made me lose myself; sit on pins and needs hoping to feel the title of oxytocin when my text messages showed he was thinking of me. I was dumb struck in hopes he would contact me.

I need to stop here and give myself some grace. I was far from stupid. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to have your love and energy reciprocated and especially nothing wrong with having pure intentions. This other man, my ex was manipulative and being untruthful. I was not stupid.

This Sunday when Mike and I were exclusively texting, it triggered something in me. A bit of concern that maybe he was being untrustworthy and manipulating me. I had to pause. I had to reassure myself that he is not my past. There are good and trustworthy individuals in the world. I have found one. Mike is not set out to hurt me. This type of self assurance can save oneself from self sabotage.

Today when Mike had had a decent amount of quality phone time. He voiced his concern for the situation since our lives can be a bit backwards from one another. I mentioned to him how I was a little triggered that we didn’t talk yesterday. He reassured me that he has nothing to hide our timelines didn’t align. This is healthy communication. This is what adults do. This is how you grow in a relationship. It’s okay to have triggers and it’s even more important that your partner can help you when they happen and you work through them together.

As per life we both had something that pulled us off that phone call but made plans to connect again after we got settled in for the night. See Mike is a writer and has been reading me his audio book. He’s pretty good. I say pretty good bc he’s really amazing and I’m impressed that he can be so venerable to the world with his life experiences. I jokingly call it my Audible live subscription. I enjoy it very much. I’m proud of his accomplishments. I listened to chapter 7 and as he started chapter 8 I explained I may not last much longer and fell asleep to his voice.