Connection is nothing without communication. There’s something to be said for people who can clearly communicate without complications or confusion when clarity is needed they can communicate without being aggressive or disrespectful to one another.
The past years have been very busy not always in a productive manner.
We are all worth more than inconsistencies. After several days of poof-ing my heart says run. I’m worth a goodnight or I can’t talk tonight. It’s always I’m sorry x, y, or z took place. It starts to become a pattern. I try to look past it. The past says it’s the other person wrapped up in another person who’s more valuable. In reality he owes me nothing I am only a person he’s known several weeks. Despite joking and discussing about futures together.
Then…. He sends me that he’s got to go. He doesn’t want to hurt me. He’s got to go back to this imaginary place where he was before. I say imaginary. I mean, California is a real place but I’m not there. I can’t have access to this wonderful man that has opened my heart and hopes to find love. This man who’s shown me protection from afar. He’s shown me compassion and friendship. I am so incredibly crushed by his words that I have overwhelming dread to continue without him. The strangest part is I’ve never seen him in person.
I’ve let my guard down. I never was allowing anyone to make me feel attached. I didn’t want to hurt again.
It’s interesting how the experiences of your past can affect your present and future self. They say until you heal or process the past you will bleed on someone who has not hurt you. I have spent the last several days moving to a new home. I accepted an amazing opportunity with a venture capital company and uprooted my family to a safer community, better environment, new safe neighborhood. It’s been wonderful for us. In doing this I’ve had a toddler exclusively as I unpack and my time has been limited. Mike has been between Drs appointments and family obligations. We’ve not talked on the phone. This probably is someone’s dream bc people say how much they hate talking and they would rather text. I’m the opposite. There’s intention when you call. You have to give most your attention and time to the other individual on the phone call. I also have a thing for men with sexy voices. It’s definitely a perk of a phone call
It’s Sunday. In my last relationship it seemed that the person I was seeing was absent from life every Sunday. It was their one day off a weekend and it was a big deal to them to have their rest. They seemed to rest a lot on Sunday. Me being trusting or just stupid believed them. I didn’t put together what was really going on. I was being conditioned to not call and leave them alone. My anxious attachment made me lose myself; sit on pins and needs hoping to feel the title of oxytocin when my text messages showed he was thinking of me. I was dumb struck in hopes he would contact me.
I need to stop here and give myself some grace. I was far from stupid. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to have your love and energy reciprocated and especially nothing wrong with having pure intentions. This other man, my ex was manipulative and being untruthful. I was not stupid.
This Sunday when Mike and I were exclusively texting, it triggered something in me. A bit of concern that maybe he was being untrustworthy and manipulating me. I had to pause. I had to reassure myself that he is not my past. There are good and trustworthy individuals in the world. I have found one. Mike is not set out to hurt me. This type of self assurance can save oneself from self sabotage.
Today when Mike had had a decent amount of quality phone time. He voiced his concern for the situation since our lives can be a bit backwards from one another. I mentioned to him how I was a little triggered that we didn’t talk yesterday. He reassured me that he has nothing to hide our timelines didn’t align. This is healthy communication. This is what adults do. This is how you grow in a relationship. It’s okay to have triggers and it’s even more important that your partner can help you when they happen and you work through them together.
As per life we both had something that pulled us off that phone call but made plans to connect again after we got settled in for the night. See Mike is a writer and has been reading me his audio book. He’s pretty good. I say pretty good bc he’s really amazing and I’m impressed that he can be so venerable to the world with his life experiences. I jokingly call it my Audible live subscription. I enjoy it very much. I’m proud of his accomplishments. I listened to chapter 7 and as he started chapter 8 I explained I may not last much longer and fell asleep to his voice.
How do you tell someone, you are non specificity documenting their relationship? You know just taking the big pieces and showing them to the internet. I’m not su sure he will be upset, I think he will be excited about it but it’s not time to open up about it.
After night one and chapters 2&3, I’m sorta vested. I’m seeing the heart of someone kind. Then o hear some stories of dating that were slightly disturbing. I guess we have been sharing dating horror stories. I told him about a date I had to the dog park. I met a person mid day at the dog park, he had no dog but I take meeting in public very seriously. It was sorta a normal encounter. I think a few days later we meet for Pho we may have hugged. The next morning I got the standard good morning text to which I did not reply. I took my daughter to school and I had gotten dressed and was wearing my Apple Watch. I went downstairs to take the trash out and had locked myself out the house. Not a big deal I knew the upstairs window was unlocked. As I am climbing up the brick wall of my house my watch is going crazy. I guess I’m not replying to his text and he feels he’s been ghosted or something. His anxious attachment is flaring. I miss a ton of calls from him. Mind you this is an Apple Watch series 2. If I had answered it would have been unclear and I lived in the middle of no where. Service was awful. I start getting large numbers of text messages. It’s been less than a hour since the text message of good morning. I am locked out my house, I have on flip flops and need to climb a brick wall to the second story to go inside from a window.
I eventually get to the second floor and hand wrote my reply on my watch, please stop. I miss a slew of calls from this guys cell. I then get an unknown call from a local number. I answer. It’s him, I say please stop and do not contact me again.
I do get inside. I’m so thankful I stopped playing with red flags. He was waving them pretty hard. The following morning was a Thursday and I went to my normal place. I miss a collection of calls from Apple. It’s him. He’s apologizing I tell him not to contact me again, call the police to file harassment charges. I don’t know enough to file charges. The cops talk to him. He leaves me alone, I think. I log into my linked in later in the day to find a message from him. He says I’m a liar bc the internet says I’m 8 years older than I am. How I ruined his life; I’m not sure how I did. I don’t reply. I never have heard from him again.
My new friend tells a story of something trying to murder the last person who he went out with. I think consensus is online dating is rough.
The following morning I have no intention of being drawn into conversations. We chat. I have been driving several hours to work since being blessed with an opportunity of a lifetime. He offers to continue my Audible live subscription as we have lovingly started to calling it. Life happened. He got calls and other things he needed to take. I get calls I needed to take. We just got busy. The texting continued. I can’t dare tell this man my thoughts about everything, what I am doing. He would be freaked out if I told him I felt compelled to document this.
Is it betraying is trust but wiring all this down for the world to see? I don’t know. I’m to a point I will no longer allow for the options of others to impact my future. My soul needs to put all of these things down and share them. One person or a thousand or a million reading this, maybe one person will see something they need. Maybe it’s just for me to be able to finally vent all the insanity that’s brought me to a place of nothing to lose.
There was an interesting social media reel that I needed to see. a man was talking about people and conversations dying after a few days because the excitement is gone. He contributed that most people are seeking excitement not a relationship. I have sat with that for several days and I am guilty of that in several past relationships. They did not last long. I do think that the excitement in a relationship has to be created and it takes more and more as you grow together unless you chose not to then you grow apart.
I still have several people texting me as this man, and I are growing. I don’t want to put all my figurative eggs on one basket. But I’m saying that this basket seems too good to be true. To the point. My mind starts to wonder. Did he really write that? I go to google with several of the phrases I remember from the night prior and see how many books are like his. There’s a lot of PTSD books. I will wait until the next chapter to find out if he in fact wrote what he shared.
I’ve basically gone about this whole thing all wrong. Maybe it’s alright. It’s probably strange to say this but I feel led to document this meeting? Would you call this a meeting. Virtually our paths crossed. Looking at the online profile he’s 6’2 glasses very kind just a genuine smile and something says maybe he’s too good. He looks vanilla. I’m probably going to eat those words one day but I feel compelled to share all of this. I feel I am a very private individual who keeps their cards close to their chest because the past has given me every reason to feel I am judged by the people around me. I show any vulnerability and its used against me.
I’m laying in bed, I’m actually texting with another person. I’m burned out on meeting mediocre people. I’ve read all the books on dating. I’m to a point I stop being exclusive. I take the stance from the power of the p…. Don’t give all your energy towards one man, have multiples lined up so that you don’t show one man too much intent and interest. I am a one man kinda gal. I want to be so totally invested in my future husband. I pray for him, I have prayed for him since I was very young. I’m not perfect I can’t say that I pray for him every day. I have lost faith some days along the way doubting if he will ever come. I’m so far from perfect and incredibly thankful for His grace.
Laying in bed I was conversing with several individuals when he offers to call. I’m kind of paranoid mess about giving out my number when someone asks early into the online dating process. (Insert crazy dog park story). He offers to call using the dating app and then I’m locked out of talking to anyone else until our conversation ends. I’m 1000% okay with once he starts reading. He’s got a very kind voice, good energy. But. But. The story is vivid. It’s dark. I’m so confused, torn, and drawn in all at the same time. I listen intently for the 40 something minutes this man just pours himself out to me or he regurgitates the pouring of his heart that he documents previously. He asks my opinion and I tell him my thoughts. I was so tired but I was sucked in and energized by the idea that this intellectual man had written this. It’s like my own private Audible subscription. If the first chapter has anything to say or to show this man is the next thing. Like the next big thing.
We disconnect from the dating app phone call and exchange numbers. Being the gentleman that he is he wants mine so he can properly call me. I have no hesitation. He stay up talking for several hours. I am to a point I am so energized from the stimulation of quality conversations I can’t sleep but get off the phone for it’s one am and I have to be up at 5:30 and normally my body wakes me at 4:30. I’m overstimulated and lay in bed for a while before placing my weighted blanket on my body to desensitize. This man could be the one. I’m just tired. I’m going to rest and slow down. It’s just been one story. One night, a few hours. I haven’t know him for two days.
Unexplainable still Invited